Curtain twitching

(Apologies to Fawcett Min MBE - I tried really hard to find the place where you were drinking last night but couldn't work it out at all. I blame your sister!)

I was an upstanding member of the community (or a nosey parker, depending on your point of view) this morning. I was looking out of the window to see if the postman was coming to deliver my Amazon order when I spotted a fella having a row with a woman.

Outside the gates were two upturned pushchairs with bundles of the local paper strewn across the road. Inside, the man had grabbed a bundle off the woman and started lumping her with it!

I was about to shout out 'Oi! Leave it!' but I was in the all-together, having just got out of the shower.

Eventually, he disappeared and the woman's younger female companion arrived and got on the phone, obviously calling the police.

When they arrived (very promptly in two cars on a blue light!), I sneaked downstairs (having got dressed first) and beckoned an officer over without the man seeing me.

I told the young PC (handsome boy) I saw the bloke swinging at her with the papers before he lobbed them over the gate.

Mr Plod thanked me for the information, which should help as I was an independent witness, and added that the man was 'behaving like a twat'. He asked if the bloke was a known trouble maker but to be honest, I had never seen him before.

But, after all that excitement, I discovered my Amazon parcel had arrived and I had to go to the post office to collect it. Thank god - it would have been embarrassing to tell people they couldn't have their presents until next year!

And it saved me ringing Amazon again and demanding they email personal apologies to those who would have had empty stockings!