You're fattist. No, I said, you're fattest.

I had an evening of extreme-light entertainment last night.

First I went to see Dodgeball.

The Other Half is in Poland for the football, so I took the opportunity to go and see a super-cheesy film at the flicktures.

The laughs were cheap and plentiful, the visual gags spot on. Unusually for disposable Hollywood nonsense, it was also well aimed at British audiences.

There were also hilarious cameos by David Hasslehof (genius!) and Lance Armstrong.

Tip: if you go and see it, make sure you stick around until the very end of the credits.

Dodgeball was followed by Channel 5’s quite incredible Cosmetic Surgery Live, hosted by Vanessa Feltz and “Hollywood surgeon to the stars” Dr Jan Adams.

You have to see it to believe it. The whole show was celebrating the joys and benefits of liposuction, in graphic, close up detail.

Cue US doctors laughing and rubbing their hands together every time a fat woman walks into their waiting room. Ker-ching!

One woman had the fat sucked out of her belly and injected into her arse so she looked like J-Lo.

Another, who was introduced scoffing burgers and pizzas, had several stones of lard hoovered out of her entire body by a quack using a very long needle thing which he inserted under her skin through an incision between her arse cheeks.

Meanwhile, back in the UK Daniella “The Septum” Westbrook was chatting live to a woman who was having her two-year-old defrosted arse fat injected into her face. Honestly!

Check out Channel 5 tonight – 11pm. It’s face lifts …