Ingerland – a nervous first posting

Nervous? Yes, it's a weird feeling posting something for the whole wide world to see (although the reality is only a couple of pals will actually ever read this and point out my spelling mistakes).

But what the hell, here it is ...

I have just got back from Portugal where I spent 12 days driving from town to town like a maniac so the other half could watch the football. It was not a relaxing trip. No. Not only was I surrounded by fat, sweaty, beetroot-red pikeys, aka 'England Fans', but we never really fathomed out how the Portuguese signposts worked. Cue lots of intense navigational-based arguments.

The whole country was awash with football fans, indigenous and foreign. While other teams' fans appeared to welcome each other with open arms and got on with enjoying the festivities, the Ingerlish were curiously hostile to fellow supporters.

Sure, they sang 'Roon-ay' and a charming ditty about German bombers with one voice, but should you actually approach them and try and make conversation, their neanderthal faces were suddenly blank and threatening - and interesting and difficult facial maneouvre to master.

Hostility towards women ("wimmin shudnt be at the football" and "fuk off vinigar tits") was openly displayed by a few of the less charming oafs but on the whole it seemed the average England Fan prefers to socialise solely with his clan.

Even if he is a one-man clan.

But that said, from the sidelines, they were rather amusing and carried out some crazy lager-fuelled stunts such as filling a paddling pool from a fountain in 34 degrees and surfing on tops of buses in Coimbra.

Portugal is a wonderful place with great cakes. Football tournaments are exciting, fun and full of sights which leave you open-mouthed.

But I shan't be going to the German World Cup.